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Marie Belew Wheatley's Blog

What Makes Us Selfish or Selfless?

Posted October 1, 2009

As I was walking in Washington, D.C., last week, I passed a woman who dropped a crumpled piece of paper on the ground. It may have fallen by accident, but then I saw her look at it lying there -- and continue walking away.

That same day, while I was at the airport, a man who was talking loudly on a cell phone seemed to have only partially overheard the customer service rep say something to a customer about a flight. Abruptly ending his call, he then, even more loudly, shouted at the rep -- who was in the middle of helping another customer, “Are flights to Denver delayed?!”

Back home in the Denver area, on any given day, I encounter aggressive drivers during my commute -- like the ones who speed along in the fast lane and impatiently tailgate dangerously close to the car in front of them, while driving excessively over the speed limit. Or the ones who cut suddenly from lane to lane, without signaling and without regard to the driver they cut off, for the purpose of possibly saving only a few extra seconds in the course of a half-hour drive. Meanwhile, both types of drivers are endangering the lives of others.

I know that those instances and my experiences with many other inconsiderate, self-centered and rude people aren’t unique. Every day, we experience firsthand, or see or hear about, people doing selfish things with no consideration for safety, fairness or common courtesy. In fact, sometimes I feel as if courtesy has become quite uncommon. On the worst of days, this realization can be very disheartening to me.

But then I focus on the other side of the coin -- the shinier side -- which reminds me that for every person who only cares about himself, there are several more who are kind and giving and want to help others. Like when I watched an elderly man leading his frail wife across a busy street, and struggling himself as he held her arm to keep her stable. Another man who was walking in the same direction noticed the pair and gently took the woman’s free arm and assisted them both in making a safe crossing. Then he continued on his way, as if there was nothing unusual about helping others, even strangers.

And I know that, for many people, there is nothing unusual about that. The vast majority of American Humane’s supporters never meet our staff or get to look into the eyes of the animals or children who their donations have helped, or whose lives were saved. So in one sense, they are helping strangers. But, in another sense, they are anything but strangers, because they recognize that we are all part of the same family, and they feel compelled to act humanely and charitably toward their fellow beings.

What is it, I wonder, that makes some people act selfishly, self-centered and inconsiderately, while others act with generosity, empathy and compassion? Is it the way they were raised and socialized? Did one or more significant experiences shape their lives? Did a good or bad role model make all the difference? Or are they just good people who are stressed out or having a bad day?

We’ve all seen cases of people who were dealt a terrible hand in life, yet they still have tremendously positive outlooks and they achieve great things for themselves, and for others. And we’ve also seen those who were given everything anyone could ask for, yet they’re miserable and selfish. What makes the difference?

Perhaps it’s all in the way they view themselves, others and life in general. A friend of mine with a positive outlook once told me how he deals with the aggressive driver or the rude customer. “I consider all those people as if they were children -- my children,” he said, “and they need help from me.” With that approach, I think we’d all be more likely to lend a hand to those in need, and less apt to get mad or act aggressively ourselves when we’re the victims of negative actions by others.

So, when I encounter people who are less than considerate, I remind myself of what my friend said. I try to view it as if that driver who just cut me off needs my help, my understanding. I’ll admit, it isn’t always easy, but I’d much rather add humaneness to the world than add more aggravation and antagonism.

If you consider yourself a person with compassion in an often uncompassionate world, I’d like to hear from you. What is it that shapes your outlook on life? How do you deal with the downside of human behavior? What thoughts color your world and keep you looking up? Let me know.

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